Letter to my babies

week 37 (8/29/25)

As I finish my last pregnancy (I'm pretty sure I won't have more than 2 kids in my lifetime), I want to 

leave my thoughts and feelings somewhere. It seems like such a cringe word, but this is a sacred journey that not everyone has the privilege of going through. Just like each person's life is unique, pregnancy is also a unique experience. This 2nd full-term pregnancy is physically a lot more difficult on me than my first one. Going through it with a toddler makes it different and I've also grown as a person (I hope). This is for the future me and my grown kids to look at to see what I was going through in this period of my life. Questions generated with specific prompts that I gave ChatGPT for 2nd pregnancy reflections. 

• How has this pregnancy shaped me differently than the first? 

I feel that unfortunately, I've become a worse person (even though, I prefaced it by saying "I've also grown as a person" up in the intro). I've become more short tempered, finding it harder to be patient with my first born. I'm blaming it on my discomfort, hormones, and anxiety. But, in the end, maybe it's just that I've just become a less patient, worse person. 

• What does it mean to expand my love—to hold space for two?

Oh gosh, I honestly don't know. I have no idea how this would work. How would I split the the love I have? Or, like the question states, does it just expand? Do I just learn to do this like I did with my first born? I'm actually more worried that I'll be attached to my first kiddo more than the second one because I hated newborn stage. What if I resent having a second kid because of the guilt I'm going to feel for my first born? My heart already aches for the heartache that he is going to feel when his baby sister is here. I don't know how I'll be able to "hold space for two."

• What unspoken emotions are surfacing now—joy, guilt, grief, anticipation?

There are no unspoken emotions. They all have been spoken 😂 The biggest emotion I feel is anxiousness. I'm anxious about :

-Breastfeeding (what if she doesn't latch well?)

-Having to wake up every 2-3 hours (but it takes 30 minutes to feed, 10 minutes to burp, diaper change, put them back to sleep)

-Junie's reaction to the baby

-Asking my doctor(s) for extra time off so that I can breastfeed as much as I can before having to go back to work (pumping at work sucks)

-Having to go back to work after being off on maternity leave for months

-The amount of stress that 2 kids will put on us as a couple

Of course, I'm excited to have a newborn in our lives, but I have to admit that I am a little sad too. Having a child already puts a strain on your freedom. Now, with 2 kids, it will even be harder to do the things I enjoy doing or the things I've wanted to do (e.g. travel)

• If I could whisper one thing to each of my children right now, what would I say?

Just seeing this question makes me tear up (actually, now I have tears running down my face). I would tell Junie that he is so precious and loved, and that he will always be our priority. Then, to the unborn child, I would tell her that because of her, our lives have now been perfected.