Maybe I'm Not Pregnant?

 I started bleeding at work today. Maybe it’s just normal pregnancy bleeding or maybe I just had a miscarriage. I’m not entirely sure what it is. But, I was scared that I might have lost the baby. Maybe it’s karma for tossing the idea of termination like it was nothing. I called my OB office and had to wait for them to call me back because I’m still too early for an ultrasound. Waiting for the OB office’s call felt so long. I felt so anxious and stressed out. My mind was just going and going and I had to let it out. As I was telling my coworker, I started tearing up. 

Several hours later, I was still anxious for the call but definitely had calmed down. This has happened before. With my first pregnancy, I thought I was only 4 weeks along because I had my period 4 weeks ago. But, I was actually 8 weeks along and what I thought was period was just pregnancy spotting. Hours had passed so I felt better. 

OB office called to say they want me to do a blood draw today and 48 hours from then before my appointment next Wednesday. I was supposed to see my doctor 2 weeks from now on 11/19, but the NP squeezed me in on 11/13. The blood test today was to check Hcg levels. Then the NP will compare today’s to Monday’s and see if my Hcg increased or not. Increase means baby. I’m hoping on 11/13 Hcg is up and she can do maybe a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat. 

Maybe I do want this baby more than I thought. Or maybe it was all the excitement that I had at the idea of having another baby. Maybe it’s not that I want the baby a lot but I’m more afraid to lose something I had. 

I got really lucky today with my charge RN and Break RN who were super understanding and let me go do my blood draw in the middle of the day. It was really nice to have such supportive staff. I felt so cared for and loved.