Why Were You So Embarrassed with What You Couldn’t Control?

 In my previous post, I talked about how I was trapped in mind reading when I had a playdate with my 8 month old with my friend (who also has an 8 month old). I felt so embarrassed that my 8 month old baby was crying. Again, I was so embarrassed that my baby was crying! Why was I so embarrassed?

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

I was embarrassed because I thought they would think my baby is a fussy baby and I’m a bad mom.

1. What causes the embarrassment in regards to me feeling like a bad mom? Because, I guess… I thought I’d be a better mom. I thought I’d be this amazing mother but I’m not (and why do I feel like a bad mom? I’m going to save that for another post). The gap between what I thought I was going to be like versus what I am makes me feel embarrassed.
2. What causes the embarrassment in regards to your baby crying? Well… I guess… It’s just embarrassing to have a fussy baby. I’ve been so proud to say how calm and easy-going he’s been. So, for others to witness a crying baby is embarrassing.

My therapist then asked me, “So, let’s think about it in 3 different scenarios. 1) Your friend and her husband may not have said anything about you or your baby after you guys left. 2) Your friend and her husband may have said something about you guys, but do you think it’s still on their mind today? 3) Your friend and her husband may have said something about you guys, but isn’t it a fair statement for that situation?”

I felt like I got hit in the head and a lightbulb turned on in my mind! My baby being a fussy baby and me being an emotional mom is a true statement for that particular day/time. If they did in fact gossip about my baby and me, for that circumstance, it would be a fair statement.

Photo by Daniele Franchi on Unsplash

For that situation, it would be a fair statement!

We had done exercises to decrease anxiety and thinking trapping by coming up with evidences for and against my negative thoughts. And then to end the therapy session with this comment! OOF! It made me feel a sense of relief. It somehow clicked inside of me!

When things go wrong and I feel incompetent, it’s okay to say, “You are incompetent doing this particular thing in this moment.”

It’s just that moment! It doesn’t define who I am. Feeling incompetent does not have to stay with me throughout the entirety of my life. I can feel bad in the moment and learn to move on!

I think this is the most valuable lesson from my therapy session so far. I didn’t think I’d actually learn something. I thought just talking to someone was what I needed. But, this… this is gold.