My #1 Reason for Anxiety (I started therapy #3)

 My #1 Reason for Anxiety (I started therapy #3)

In the first session with my therapist, the recurring theme was feelings of incompetence.

I went into therapy without any goals in mind but we ended the session with how to minimize the feeling of incompetence.

I go back and forth between feeling confident about myself and then feeling an intense amount of shame in my incompetence.

Photo by arash payam on Unsplash

I can easily hype myself up by telling myself, “If that person can do it, I should be able to do it.” I know I have more education and resources than that person, so what’s preventing me from doing what they can do?

But this also works in the opposite direction. “That person can do so much, I’m never going to get there.” That person has so much more competence than I do, and it makes me feel like a failure.

My therapist made me realize that the person that I compare myself to, the that person has way more experience that I do. That person has 10+ years of experience in this job, where as I have about 1.5 years. Of course, they’ll know more than I do. But… It isn’t an of course in my head. It’s, “that person is so much better than me.” It’s, “I feel so stupid.”

Things only get worse when I start comparing myself to other with similar experience as I have.

As a nurse in the hospital, all the new nurses go through a training program. Everyone is a fresh graduate of nursing program and we start something called a “new grad program.” Essentially, we’re all in a cohort with the same start date.

And, in my cohort, there is a nurse who I think is so great. She can do all the things that I struggle with and she does it with so much ease. She’s more competent than I am. I will never be her or have that much confidence. She has everything together, she knows so much more, can do so much more, and she’s already at a point where she trains others!

So… how could I not feel incompetent next to her?

Photo by Elena G on Unsplash

My therapist gave me the metaphor of ducks floating on water. It may be that she looks like she’s just gliding smoothly through her work day, but she may be flapping her feet to stay afloat.

Plan for next session

We ended the session with me trying to overcome some of the feeling of incompetence by practicing skills that make me feel incompetent (e.g. inserting IVs and other catheters). But… honestly, I don’t know if I’ll feel better even if I successfully do these.